Salvete,
I'm back.
It has been quite a while, with several misadventures. Students have left the special program of which I am a part, and I am sure several more will be gone after the semester. However, others are chosing to stay. They want help getting to college, and have embraced the teachings of the instructors who care for them. It has been exciting to watch them grow, and heartbreaking when their home lives challenge them and they suffer. We had several incidents occur over the last few weeks, and although they will pass, the students are still hurting now (and we know that now is what is most important to them, the only moment in time that they know or acknowledge).
Additionally, today is the first Anime Club meeting in three weeks! The students have playfully given me a hard time for being absent, though they take care of themselves when I am not around by going to park and playing Red Rover, etc. I will not lie, the break from their emotions and craziness has been nice, but I found myself missing it nonetheless. The ennui was dispelled almost immediately, though, upon the reconvening of the masses. At least they are watching a movie today (Origins), so they are subdued. Hopefully the movie is long enough to carry over into the next meeting.
Anime Club will not be meeting next week, but what joy I feel at that prospect is immediately laid aside due to an overwelming dread for where I am going to be in order to miss the meeting. Once a month over the last three months (December included), I have been subjected to what is called SIOP Training. These trainings are the pinacle of why I hate educational theory. The leader talks to us like we are five and she is seven, I am surrounded by goody-goody elementary teachers, and I am forced to film myself teaching for a project. My intense dislike is exacerbated by my least favorite co-worker being there. I had to sit next to the person at the last meeting, and the person was tolerable, though certainly not lovable. We are grouped for next week for the showing of the videos, and hopefully will not have to be in a room together again after that. Ever.
SIOP Training was the proverbial straw, and I the camel. I had been contemplating for some time going back to school to get my PhD in English. I thought I could stand being a teacher forever, but that is just not the case. I thought after my first year that the useless seminars would get better. Then, I switched districts, and I told myself that all the useless seminars had to do with me being new to the district. Now, it is my second year here, my third year teaching, and still I suffer. I feel like making tallies on the wall, a la prison. My co-teacher is 35 years old, has been teaching for more than ten years, and he is undergoing the same SIOP training as I am. I was in the copy room the other day, and a teacher randomly asked me, "Do you think you could do this for thirty years? This is my thirtieth year." I slowly backed away in horror at the prospect of myself as a rotund, 55-year old teacher who had become disenchanted years before but could not escape because of retirement considerations. That same week, the very same week that I had decided difinitively to start applying, another teacher told me, "Get out of here and get your PhD while you can." Perhaps these incidences were co-incidences only, but they were duly noted and filed away. I have now applied to Duke, UNC, A&M, SMU, UNT, and Tech.
My actions are not to say that I dislike teaching itself. I rather enjoy having a captive audience. I love the kids, but there will always be kids. If I get a PhD, I can teach at a deeper level, and deal with college-age students. I can be a student again while earning the degree, which is what I love doing best of anything. I was meant to be an academic. Yes, I know there will be meetings and trainings when I am a professor. That is not the point. The point is academia. The point is freedom. The point is doing what I need to do. Husband has been infinitely supportive, as have my recommenders. I am so looking forward to Feburary/March/April when I find out who has rejected me. Or, even better, who has accepted me. I hope they accept me.
That's all for now. Still 45 minutes left in Anime Club.
Save me.
Valete,
Magistra
